Oh, Alexandria

Oh, Alexandria
your misshapen petals beckon to me
and as your pea emerges from your seed pod
my taste buds become erect at the thought of tasting of your milky horchata
I long to fill your floppy tortilla with sour cream to soothe
the spicy angst in my soul
and to lubricate the rough edges of the wall scrubbers
which protrude so ruthlessly from the widest part of my glans helmet
my rake will abort all of the children your husband could have given you
(at least that's what I tell myself)
if only I can prevent myself from discharging my salty emission
upon your glorious, manicured hedges
oh Alexandria, oh Alexandria Ocasio
I will conquer you as Cortez conquered your ancestors
and our somewhat brownish children will penetrate the borders of bigotry
break down the barriers of language
and destroy the healthcare and educational systems of a country founded upon
Thomas Jefferson's rape slave fetish
and even Donald Trump will look on in awe
as we shut down the United States Federal Government together
oh Alexandria, our Green New Deal will install solar panels
upon every bilingual elementary school
every hospital with wait lines that could make Castro climax
and leave Michael Moore's stomach satisfied
full of vending machine candy
oh Alexandria, our love will yield many
transgendered
Spanish-speaking
Islamic
Black Rights Matter activist children
who will create a brighter future
if I can only restrain myself and not prematurely eject
the cloudy chromosomes of my father sky
upon your mother earth
if only I can restrain myself
we will create a feminist utopia
so progressive even Margaret Thatcher would scream in ecstasy
oh Alexandria
oh Alexandria Ocasio
oh Alexandria, my shapely-ho
with your low-cut blazer
economics never seem to phase her
with your stunning hips
and your juicy red lips
I will vote for your glorious os receiving my semen
the way Israel receives American tax payer money
and our children will join hands with children of every
color of the rainbow and sing and dance atop the mountains
and splash and bathe in the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans
make snow angels in New York and New Jersey
and genocide all the rednecks in Arkansas and Missouri
Let's fucking Cortez this shit baby!

Dedicated to the second hottest Congress member
Oh how I would like to put my member in you
Love,
Ilhan Omar's New Fling
p.s. it would be sexier if you wore a hijab or turban

My Pirate Queen

My Pirate Queen
my micro-penis is a stalagmite in your cavernous crevice
today or this week my Uncle will die of Sepsis
I would like you to scream out
as my shaftless member caresses the back edge of your g-spot
"Take my rights away with your phallus, Daddy"
and I will scream "Your hijab is so fucking hott!"
together we will climax
a lug nut in your wheel well
i will circle your edges until I swell
to a glorious circumference
clearly not of your preference
but with revolutions per minute
that would spring water from a Saudi woman's well
If you cheat I will cut off your wrinkled hood
like they do in the original hood
and then you will know the true meaning of good
my African princess
My Pirate Queen
the prettiest congresswoman
I've ever seen

I love you Representative Omar
seriously though, your butt is rockin'

Signed,
your biggest fan!
=)

Ladies First

Ladies First
I've noticed a trend
perhaps it's all in my head
but these short, round women
they dislike me
all I require is light cream cheese
spread evenly upon my bagel
as you walk by
I am reminded of Aliotto's
after baseball games in San Francisco
the salty air filling my lungs
with a residue so pure and fine
even Mahatma Gandhi couldn't resist a whiff
I am reminded of buttering my sourdough
and it pleases my prefrontal cortex
and teases my Alexandria Ocasio Cortez
I just need a little Medicare baby
just some light cream cheese
and some cream in my coffee
and I know you want me to die
as most short, round women do
and believe me, I've tried
tried so hard to do it for you
I remember my pulsing temples
the twitch in my eye
the lock in my jaw
my fear of the law
my vomit in the sink
my kidneys at the brink
(of destruction)
those hot, miserable summer days
stumbling around downtown
and it all comes back
when I see your face screwed up into a frown
you're such a sweet lady
but to me you're so mean
for the last fucking time!
Will you go light on the cream cheese??????
It's cool though, I know you're more important than me
because of my terrible pee-pee
and your wizard sleeve
ladies first
I'm lower than dirt
do you instinctively spread so much goo
so your husband's stump doesn't hurt?
or do you hate me because
of my allegedly anti-semitic t-shirt?
seriously though
the hispanic chick with her tummy
tucked into her pants
had no problem
with my cream cheese request
but she is neither short, nor round
except in all the right places
and all the right spaces
I'm down for the chases
please don't use the maces
I'm not so bad, baby
that pesto girl, that pesto

Little Red Wrinkled Hood

 Little Red Wrinkled Hood
Yeah I know, I know it's long
your life, your experiences
it really, really bugs me
little red
little red wrinkled hood
maybe you can shape-shift
shape-shift back
back out
out of the form of a cat
back into Professor McGonagall
and wrap, wrap your sleeve around your husband's stump!
Little Red!
Little Red!
Little Red Wrinkled Hood!
Little Red!
Little Red!
Little Red Wrinkled Hood!
there is a drill
there is a drill fixing my head
Little Red!
Little Red Wrinkled Hood!

BLAME

BLAME
there is no world
there is only the Earth
and the Earth is empty
there are just bodies of mass
they float through space and time
they move but they don't go anywhere
as the beatings - emotional and physical -
have compounded over the years
one leading to another
there is this idea of blame
and I'm aware of it
although I feel independent of it now
there comes a point in time
when people blame you to the extent
that the concept becomes absurd
and becomes meaningless
so I am to blame
but then what?
if blame's purpose is for someone
to wash their hands clean of someone else
what happens when the someone else
has disappeared down the drain
of the sink of responsibility?
the sink of judgement?
the sink of consequences?
there is no blame any longer
and everyone is free
finally, finally it seems I am home
the place all their beatings and blame
directed me toward
the place I was meant to reside within
I'm alone
and finally, finally
nothing is my fault
 
 

“I’ll Bite Your Dick Off!”

“I’ll Bite Your Dick Off!”

                The first drug dealer I lived with had a girlfriend and a pack of seven wild pit bulls.  The alpha female would follow me up the stairs to my room or all the way down to the bottom if I was leaving, snapping at my crotch the entire way.  It was just her way of asking over and over again if I liked her.  The old, “I’ll bite your dick off,” routine.  Sometimes I’d have to crack her on the skull to get her to stop snapping and drooling on my pants.  She eventually seemed to gain an understanding of the size of my junk because sometimes she would bite my pants and just barely miss.  That’s when I’d get mad and she’d smile at me with her gigantic head.  That’s usually when I’d crack her right on top of her big stupid dome with my fist.

                One time I came home and my drug dealer roommate was upset and I asked him what was wrong.  He was cooking eggs or something bland.

                “I’m sick of it,” he said, pointing to the food on the stove.

                “Eat something else,” I said.  I was holding a bag of Mexican food I had ordered to go.

                “Do you think I like this?” he shouted.  He went to the closet and pulled out his hand gun and started waving it around at me.  “Do you think I want to stand in line for three hours at Food Maxx with the rest of the Mexicans?  Do you think I want to eat garbage?”

                “No, I hate Food Maxx,” I said.  “Their produce is terrible.”

                “Fuck you, man!” he shouted.  “You fucking trust fund baby!  You fucking liberal!”

                He went out on to the balcony and fired four quick shots into the night sky.  He came back in and I had two shots of Evan Williams ready.

                We knocked a couple back and everything was good.  Weed smoke filled the air and all the pit bulls became relaxed.  I was able to get up the stairs without the alpha female biting my dick off.

                I had survived another day in the underbelly of wine country society.