I'm a Gold Digger

 

I'm a Gold Digger 

I've been having one of those John Cusack moments like in High Fidelity where he thinks about all his failed relationships with women to try to understand why he's single. 

Looking back I see the pattern now.  I almost exclusively date women who have more money than I do.  And it's not to say that I'm poor, although I used to be.  I'm just simply attracted to women who wear the right makeup or the right clothes or have a cool car and let me drive it when I'm in between vehicles. 

It's true, like usually I go for women whose parents have more money than mine, or who have a higher income than I do or buy me lots of presents like my favorite brand of cigarettes or her entire bottle of Jameson in her cupboard.  It's the simple things in life that really get me off.  Seriously, I don't even care if I come but I'll keep fucking you if you drop me off some lunch like a sandwich from Oliver's or something.  Paying for convenience can't be overvalued. 

I had a crush on this cashier but I'm starting to really think that dating a woman in the medical field is the right way to go.  Not because I want to catch COVID from her (although that would be kind of hot) but because I want to crash in your condo you somehow afforded to buy when you were 27 and sleep in your bed but only when your child isn't around. 

I'm not the kind of guy you would bring home to your parents.  And in no way do I see this as a problem.  Truly I enjoy being single and if you're going to be so stuck up as tell me that smoking cigarettes, taking shots of vodka and playing my telecaster is a deal breaker for you then I will just Clarence Thomas this whole thing and be like, "I don't vote dude, good luck in the midterms." 

But seriously women are strong and independent and I like that. 

Anyway this chick, I mean woman, isn't texting me back and I was just like, "Man this dating thing isn't for me." 

Especially if you don't want to let me drive your car when I'm between vehicles or pick me up and drop me off at the bus stop.