1. DON'T LET THE IMPERIAL WIZARDS TAKE YOUR RIGHTS AWAY - THEN GO TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD, GET AN IED AND LET ME NUT IN YOUR CANAL!

1. DON'T LET THE IMPERIAL WIZARDS TAKE YOUR RIGHTS AWAY - THEN GO TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD, GET AN IED AND LET ME NUT IN YOUR CANAL!
              I was feeling good, real good.  I was healthy.  My balls were hanging low and my nut sack was swinging like a pendulum in a long arc as I bopped around downtown listening to “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind.  I mocked the singer’s lisp and made the female yuppies giggle.  Even their bearded “husbands” thought it was cool.  It’s kind of hard to think a guy with a lisp is going to fuck your wife if you’re a dipshit hipster with a crew cut.
               Courtney kept texting me and I ignored her.  She kept calling me a “bitch” which I didn’t understand, but whatever.

               Finally the vodka hit me and I remembered back when we were thirteen years old and how she kept begging me to put my three inch cock in her mouth.  We just held hands sometimes.
               “Remember when we kissed?” she texted.
               I caved and texted back: “No, but my cock is at least four inches now so I think we should pick up where we left off.”

               She kept referring to her husband – or boyfriend – or fiancé, Joel.  I ignored her some more.

               “Remember when we held hands?” she texted.
               “Remember when you went on and on about abortion for three years on Facebook and never let me nut inside your canal?” I replied.

               I could feel how wet that made her from miles away.  She started screaming at me through text message in all caps.

               “PAUL! ABSOLUTELY NOT!  IT’S NO WONDER YOU NEVER GET LAID!  YOU’RE A MISOGYNIST, YOU’RE VULGAR, YOU’RE-“
               I just stopped reading and turned “Semi-Charmed Life” up louder.
               “The sky was gold, it was rose, I was taking sips of it through my nose…”
               I knew what her problem was.  Why she kept going on and on about women’s rights on social media.  I knew what she needed and where she needed it.

               “AND IF WE WERE TO HAVE SEX YOU SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE THE COURTESY TO USE A CONDOM!”

I texted back: “Let’s be real, Courtney.  If we were to have sex there would ABSOLUTELY be no condom.  I care about you too much.”

“I don’t know what to say,” she texted back.
She was almost done.

I texted: “What with all the imperial wizards trying to take your rights away it’s amazing that you don’t use them while you still can.  Just walk your cute thing down to Planned Parenthood and get the IED.  IUD?  I can’t remember.  Or whatever, I’ll just pull out or something.  I have manners.”

“PAUL!” she screamed.

            “Do ever what you wanna do, comin’ over you, keep on smilin’ with what we go through…”