POTATO CHIP DANDRUFF

POTATO CHIP DANDRUFF

               The online dating thing came around again for me a few months after the one night stand and I got lucky.  Some girl liked me – for some reason.  I guess she didn’t notice my fucked up eye and my crooked nose.  She had weird teeth so maybe she figured we were about even.  I loved her teeth.

               We would be lying in bed in the early morning and she would look like an angel with her hair all messed up.  One day I noticed the biggest piece of dandruff I had ever seen in her hair.  It was like a beautiful snowflake.  It was just hanging there delicately on a strand of her hair, gigantic and tempting me like it was a potato chip.  I carefully picked it out of her head, intact.  It didn’t break or crumple into pieces.  She woke up and saw me, horrified.

               I looked at her and looked at the dandruff and looked back at her.  Right when she screamed I put it in my mouth, and paused to enjoy the salty flavor before I swallowed it.  She got over it when I gave her a back massage and then I just noticed this dead, dried out zit on her back.  I considered it as I rubbed her shoulders.  She wouldn’t like it, but it would just take a second and probably wouldn’t hurt much.  It was agonizing as the dead skin stared back at me.  Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I used my finger nail to scratch it off and I ate it.

               “Nooooooo!” she screamed and tried to keep me from eating it, but I jumped out of bed, stuck my tongue out at her and placed the dead zit in my mouth so she could see it before I swallowed it and smiled.

               “If you do it again we’re breaking up!” she pouted.

               “Please, baby,” I came to her bedside and kneeled.  “Please, you don’t understand.  You have the most attractive dandruff ever.  I’ve never seen dandruff flakes that large, I have to eat them.”

               “You’re an asshole,” she gave me the pouty face again. 

               She broke up with me a week later.

               “Is it because of the dandruff thing?”

               “I met someone with bigger balls,” she said.  “I love big balls, they’re hot.”

               I scratched my head and wondered if she was telling the truth or not.  It’s a shame.  Somebody else gets to eat her potato chip dandruff now.

               It’s all my Mother’s fault.  She used to chase me around the house after I was peeling from a sun burn.  Sometimes I would stand obediently and let her peel me.  She loved getting a big piece that didn’t break.  Eventually I got tired of it and would run to the bathroom and lock the door.  Then she would shout to my Dad and he would come stomping toward the bathroom and order me to open the door and let my Mom peel my skin.

               “No!” I shouted back at him.  “It’s my skin!”

               And thus my Chimp Grooming Fetish began.  I guess it spiraled out of control because apparently you shouldn’t eat your girlfriend’s dandruff but I can’t help it.