How I Killed Ray Lewis

How I Killed Ray Lewis

                I was walking to the drug store to buy toothpaste.  There’s a Starbucks next door.  I was walking pretty quickly because my cavities were starting to hurt again.  As I passed the Starbucks entrance a man opened the door and we bumped into each other.  His coffee went flying and some got on his scarf.  Initially, I thought the man was just some hipster what with the scarf he was wearing and his stupid fedora.  I was going to buy the man a new coffee.  But when he looked up at me I was surprised to see a face I knew.

                It was Ray Lewis, the ex-middle linebacker of the Baltimore Ravens.

                “Holy shit!” I said.  “You’re Ray Lewis.”

                He seemed to be pretty unforgiving about the coffee since I saw in his eyes a look of pure hatred.  Suddenly my long-term memory kicked in and I remembered that Ray Lewis had once faced a murder charge.  Apparently he may or may not have killed two people.

                Instinctively, I looked down at his belt and pockets to see if I could see a knife.  When I looked back up at his face he was even angrier.  So I ran - which makes sense because knife or no knife, there’s no way I can win in a fight against a middle linebacker.

                Why I thought I could outrun a middle linebacker . . . well, what was I supposed to do?  As I ran down the street I had visions of Patrick Willis chasing down that Arizona Cardinals wide receiver a few years back.  So I tried a new tactic.  I ran out into the street despite the heavy traffic.

                Of course Ray Lewis followed me.  You gotta give him credit.  Ray Lewis ain’t never scared.

                As I was dodging cars with Lewis in pursuit, I suddenly understood how Colin Kaepernick felt when the 49ers were in the Super Bowl and they were on the five yard line.  Colin could have tried to run the ball into the end zone for a touchdown to win the game but Ray Lewis would’ve got him.  And that guy may or may not be a murderer, so . . .

                He was closing in on me.  I guess he had done this sort of thing before.  So I tried a new tactic.

                I shouted back at him, “I’m a young white person!  This wouldn’t look good for you!”

                That gave him pause, and I guess distracted him enough for him to not notice that the #15 bus was about to hit him if he didn’t get out of the way.  Our eyes met but I don’t think he understood the look of horror on my face.

                The 15 hit him and he ricocheted into the path of a Toyota Tundra heading the opposite direction.  He flew up in the air and finally landed on the pavement.  There was blood everywhere.  I just stood there in the middle of the street.

                All I wanted was toothpaste.

                And that’s how I killed Ray Lewis.