I'm Tired

I'm Tired

                I’ve been working a lot.  When I’m not processing and shipping out orders for the company I work for, I’m playing guitar or running on the treadmill at the gym.  I eat a good amount and drink a lot of caffeine to keep me going but eventually you start to hit a wall.  I hit that wall last week and I became agitated and furious.  My uncle’s dying and my Mom called me “manipulative” on the phone because I was literally too exhausted to play guitar for him and the rest of my extended family.  So of course I played and I sucked and which made me even more upset.

                I managed to play well for the open mic last Tuesday so I felt better but I’m still just really tired.  I wake up at 4:30 or 5 almost every day.  For awhile there it felt like I was working 12 hour days and then out of nowhere, recently, someone offered me drugs.  I said no, but I had an internal conflict over it and I got really upset with myself.  I was alone in a room, thinking about it, and then I just yelled out loud to myself, “Why can’t I just be happy?”
                I drove to my house.  It was Thursday night.  I was going to go to sleep and then I thought I should just relax and have a beer.  I can’t drink at my house because my roommate doesn’t like it so I walked downtown to a bar I like.
                I was standing alone, drinking a Racer 5 and IT happened again.
                It’s really annoying when people assume you’re sad because you’re alone.  I hate that.

                Anyway, this girl walks up to me and decides to make a joke out of me and goes, “I’m sorry you have to feel this way,” loud enough for the entire bar to hear, and then comes around the island I was leaning on and grabs my ass, thrusts her butt into my hip and yells, “Shaz-Amm!”
                Obviously I was humiliated and felt a little upset.  I think she continued onto a sexual assault rampage and started doing it to other people and finally the bouncers kicked her out.  I figured I’d play some air hockey to feel better and of course I got destroyed 7-2.

                So it was a bad night.  But at least I didn’t do drugs.  You know, besides the beer and three shots of Jameson.
                It seems like every time I put myself out there I wind up feeling rejected or worse but I don’t feel happy being alone a lot of the time.  I honestly don’t know what to do.  I guess I’ll just keep playing guitar, writing, working and running.  It just gets really exhausting.