Ladies First

Ladies First
I've noticed a trend
perhaps it's all in my head
but these short, round women
they dislike me
all I require is light cream cheese
spread evenly upon my bagel
as you walk by
I am reminded of Aliotto's
after baseball games in San Francisco
the salty air filling my lungs
with a residue so pure and fine
even Mahatma Gandhi couldn't resist a whiff
I am reminded of buttering my sourdough
and it pleases my prefrontal cortex
and teases my Alexandria Ocasio Cortez
I just need a little Medicare baby
just some light cream cheese
and some cream in my coffee
and I know you want me to die
as most short, round women do
and believe me, I've tried
tried so hard to do it for you
I remember my pulsing temples
the twitch in my eye
the lock in my jaw
my fear of the law
my vomit in the sink
my kidneys at the brink
(of destruction)
those hot, miserable summer days
stumbling around downtown
and it all comes back
when I see your face screwed up into a frown
you're such a sweet lady
but to me you're so mean
for the last fucking time!
Will you go light on the cream cheese??????
It's cool though, I know you're more important than me
because of my terrible pee-pee
and your wizard sleeve
ladies first
I'm lower than dirt
do you instinctively spread so much goo
so your husband's stump doesn't hurt?
or do you hate me because
of my allegedly anti-semitic t-shirt?
seriously though
the hispanic chick with her tummy
tucked into her pants
had no problem
with my cream cheese request
but she is neither short, nor round
except in all the right places
and all the right spaces
I'm down for the chases
please don't use the maces
I'm not so bad, baby
that pesto girl, that pesto